Kill Smartie Breedlove – A Review.

Kill Smartie Breedlove by Joni Rodgers. Available at Amazon US and Amazon UK.

“…He has the chiseled behind of an Argonaut. Talk about dinner and a show.” “Decomposing corpses, blood, meth labs, mayhem. He really has a wealth of knowledge.”

Smack Wilder, Smartie Breedlove, Sneak Peek, Accidents Waiting to Happen: We get at least four stories for the price of one. This book is really worth the price of the download!!

We also get a stinging critique of the publishing world:
“He could have gone the self-publishing route. Truly, the stigma’s not what it used to be except in the minds of a few academics and New York old-schoolers who actually enjoy living with their heads up each other’s asses.”

At the risk of sounding clichéd, this very smart, sassy, hugely entertaining novel begins at “The End.” But there is nothing clichéd about this book except the ones it lampoons.

Our heroine, Smartie who channels Jessica Fletcher, but with silk dresses and no panties, wants to know all the literally gory details of every crime scene, every technicality of biohazards, she wants to know everything about everything.
“Can I come with?” she asked. “I want to see all your equipment and fracketty foo out there.” “Um… sure,” said Hewitt.

Smartie writes Smack Wilder novels (within the novel) boasting names like “Get Wilder,” “Splatter Cat,” “Doggy Style,” “Dead Sexy,” and you get the picture. She’s a bit of a genre writer, I think.

Ms. Rodgers is a character writer. There’s a character for everyone in this book and sometimes their names are as hilarious as their situations. There is the gold-digging floozy (Charma) who marries the billionaire. There’s “Cardboard Janny” who posthumously controls her widowed husband and posthumously releases books like ‘Janny’s World: A Ten Year Retrospective of America’s Gal Next Door.’

There are Tag Mason, Twyla and Digg, Inky Fujitsu, potential characters in one of Smack’s books. There are the unscrupulous divorce lawyers (SPF& E) whose troublesome defendants seem to drop like flies, and whose Suri Fitch which rhymes with witch seems to push every button in Houston.There’s Smartie’s love interest named Shep (ex cop gone bad) who pants after Suri while Smartie pants after Penn Hewitt, the biohazard man. Let’s not forget Herrick and Casilda – heck, there’s a cast of well, hundreds, or scores anyhow.

There are double-crosses aplenty and Ms. Rodgers keeps us guessing till the bitter end about “The End.” Who really double-crossed whom. Not to mention the surprise relationships that emerge, the red herrings, and the sushi.

There are the book clubbers, except in this case they all write books: The John Buchans(literary fiction) vs. The Quilters(more commercial).

There’s folk wisdom like “”Success is counted sweetest by those who ne’er succeed.”

There’s enlightenment and brand new uses for words, like “keelhauled, ” as in:
“You’re an honest man, Shep. And I feel your pain. I haven’t been properly keelhauled since…” She had to think it over for a moment. “Shlomo Taubechik. Guest cantor from Estonia. Five Sukkoths ago.” “Sue coat?” “Feast of Tabernacles. You do this yibber yabber with a lemon and a stalk of wheat. Ushers in the season of rejoicing.”

We learn lots of new expletives like “squids” as in:
“”Oh, he left rehab.” “What?” Smartie said with dismay. “After only a week?” “She says he’s drinking like a fish, but writing brilliantly.” “Squids.” Smartie sorrowfully mopped her neck…”

You get your porn and depravity (LILTART2920 whose real name is Kara Sweet,but tastefully done); your beer and belches, your fast cars, fan fiction, some classical music.

Least but not last, there’s fashion “She’d traded her bloodied Mildred Pierce getup for plaid flannel pajama pants and a Make Art Not War tee shirt, along with pink socks and a pair of disposable hazmat booties Hewitt had given her.”

I really loved this romp through Houston’s blood puddles and I think you will too. In fact, I think I shall read it again just to get the puns and humor I missed the first time through.

So, back to the “Gunsmoke approach: everybody in their own saddle with an occasional dust devil to keep the saloon door swinging.”  You must read this book.

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